TO ENGAGE OR NOT TO ENGAGE - Dr Ninad Baste

 

“ I have these memories coming back to me. I remember the words she said and the way she shouted at me. It seems fresh every time. The images and words keep coming back to trouble me. I start feeling angry and restless. I replay the events and imagine what all I could have said to her. There are so many things that I could have said, but then, I just could not. If only I could say those things and find my closure".

J was recollecting the events of a traumatic breakup that had happened 6 months ago. We had been meeting for 6weeks and this was our third meeting.

Me: Does it help you? This replaying the events and giving your answers back.

J: At times it does! But then it comes back.

Me: The past 6months have these thought, images and your response to them decreased in

frequency or intensity?

J: Not much change…at times I feel it is only getting bad.

Me: I can understand your hurt and how you feel about the way the things unfolded. You have all the right reasons to feel sad, angry and dumped. But let’s look at a different story. Suppose you are traveling in your favorite car 🚗 At a signal a few stones suddenly hit the car breaking your window glass and denting the car. How would you feel and respond.

J: I would be angry. I will stop the car and see who did it. I will make them pay for the damage.

Me: But what if you realize that across the road a few street kids are fighting and pelting stones at each other. They are continuing with their fight and as u look around a few more stones hurt people around who are trying to reason with them . Now what would you do?

J: I will inform the police and move out from there before I get hurt or my car is further damaged.

Me: But what about the damage?

J: after the police complaint I will probably get an insurance cover.

Me: How long will you keep on thinking about this?

J: But you cannot compare the two episodes.

Me: Agreed the events are different. But your first response is the same to both these. In one you engage and the other you choose not to. You realize that engaging with those boys would lead to more harm. You accept the damage to your car as minimal compared to what could have happened if you engaged. You also realized that the car can be repaired  What I am trying to tell you is that even in the break up case, probably staying together would have led to much damage down the line. Also the engagement with those thoughts by giving your answers is not letting you move on. It keeps you tied and is hurting you. You always have the choice to accept the damage and choose not to engage. I always believe that an individual has the ability to choose his response in every situation. In this case you choose to not engage with these thoughts and images.